Tiger Woods and Mercedes
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" & bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"Wat are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, wat on this God's earth are dey for?"? Inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes thinks of everything!"
Hilarious One Liners !
* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.
* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg does not find nuts.
* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
* Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
* I love you in blue.. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.
* Prostitution is a hole sale business.
*A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view !
Sex and Elections
What is common between Sex and Elections?
The standing up of a candidate.
The Story of BRA's
Never under estimate the Importance of the BRA..
Q: Striped BRA? zeBRA
Q: Poisonous BRA? coBRA
Q: Mathematical BRA? algeBRA
Q: Sunsign BRA? liBRA
Q: Magical BRA? aaBRA ka daBRA
Q: Religious BRA? BRA hmin!
Q: Metallic bra? BRAss
Q: Anjelina Jolie's Bra? BRAd pit...
Q: Botany BRA? BRAnch
Q: Marketing BRA? BRAnd!
Q: punctuation bra? BRAcket
Q: Scary bra? GhaBRAahat!!!!
Q: Room full of BRA's? LiBRAry
Q: alchohlic bra? BRAndy.
Q: surname bra? ChhaBRA
Q: Country bra? BRAzil
Q: Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world? ABRAham Lincoln!
AND YOU THOUGHT ONLY WOMEN USE A BRA !!!
Fruits and Vegetables
A family was at the dinner table ..
Son asked his father : Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??
Surprised father answered :
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs ..
In her 20's, a woman's are like Melons- Round and Firm .!!
In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears - still Nice but hanging a bit .!!
After 50, they are like Onions .!!
Father : Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'.!!
This made his wife and daughter mad ..
So d daughter said : Mom, how many kinds of 'penises' are there??
The mother smiled and answered : 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases ..
In his 20's, his Penis is like an Oak tree - Mighty and hard .!!
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a Birch - Flexible but Reliable .!!
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree .!!
Daughter : A Christmas tree?
Mom : 'Yes! the Tree is dead and the Balls are just for decoration.
A hardcore CA gets home late one night. His wife angry and upset, says "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a thousand rupees note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust "what is wrong with this man, Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a thousand rupees note tattooed on his bloody privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a thousand bucks anytime you want!"
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million. She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments. The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.' That's when she shot him.
You know, *men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut ,specially when drunk.
Flush it Down Please! It's the Potty Story!
Potty has 5 colors:
Normally what can we see in a Potty:
1. Seeds of ladies finger
2. Chopped chillies
3. Rolled tomatoes
4. Coriander leaves
If you look at the shape of Potty carefully,you can visualize various things -
5. Cow Dung plastered on the wall as pancakes
Types of Potty:
Types of Potty
The kind of potty when you felt there’s potty coming out, but no potty in a toilet
You potty it out, see a potty in the toilet but nothing on the tissue
After wiping plenty times you still feel un wiped
SECOND WAVE potty
You’re done potting, You’ve pulled up your pants and realize you need to potty some more
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD potty
You strain so much to get it out you feel like you’re having a stroke
So noisy, every one within earshot is giggling
SKID MARKS potty
It leaves the most noticeable skid marks at the bottom of the toilet
Reminds you that u had too much of chillies the previous night.
BIO WARFARE potty
Turns your toilet into a toxic chamber. Makes u regret u left your deodorant outside.
THE I WISH I COULD potty
You wanna potty but all u do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
WET CHEEK potty
It drops so fast it splashes water on your butt cheeks
THE DANGLING potty
The one that refuses to leave your ass u need to shake it off
THE SURPRISE potty
You’re about to fart but BAAAMMMM! IT’S A POTTY!!!
No matter how beautiful or rich you are but you must have experienced one or more of those potty type...
No morning can be good without a Happy Potty
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